Speaker 1: (00:02)
Welcome to the wildly Confident podcast, where we discuss all the ways to help you get more confident, make more money and get the results you want in your life. Stat. I’m Kathrine Weissner, your host. I’m a certified life coach and a life coach and the crate tricks of my own multimillion dollar business. Hey, so excited. You’re here

Speaker 2: (00:25)
For the next 10 minutes or so. Upleveling your life. Today’s topic is confidence. We all want it. And we usually only have it in a few places that are in our lives. And I’m actually going to explain to you why you only have it in some places and how to start getting it in the places you don’t have it yet because not having confidence is going to stop you from getting the results you want in your life. I’ve worked with so many women who have amazing confidence in some areas of their lives, and they’re trying to grow something in another area. And this is typically where they might have a pattern where they’re getting stuck, where they have limiting beliefs and they cannot make it happen. They keep sabotaging themselves. And one of the main things that are typically holding women back especially is confidence.

Speaker 2: (01:21)
And for me, confidence really has to do with feeling safe, to show up authentically you trusting that everything’s going to be okay as long as you have your own back. Okay. That’s how I define confidence. So confidence really has everything to do with you feeling safe, to be exactly who you are in that moment without self judgment and without being afraid of what other people are thinking about you. And when you can show up that way, getting your own back, trusting yourself, amazing things start to happen. First. I just want to describe the two different types of confidence. I talk with women a lot. The first type is what I call external confidence. And the second type is internal competence, otherwise known as what I call wild confidence. So let’s just talk about what the differences are. So you can identify where you might have X might be using external competence in your life and where you might be using internal wild confidence in your life.

Speaker 2: (02:34)
External confidence is based on things or other people’s opinions outside of ourselves. It’s basically we look to external things to know that we are good enough worthy enough lovable examples of this might be the job that you have, the grades that you got, the school that you went to, the house that you own, the type of car that you drive, the clubs or associations or memberships. You’re part of you use these as external markers, including actually of course, other people’s opinions of you too. You use these external markers to know that you are good enough or you’re doing a good job. And these are the common markers that people use to build confidence from about the time of birth as hell. I would say like sometime in your thirties or forties, I see this kind of starting to fade away and dwindle. And the reason why we use it so much, when, when you’re younger, there’s kind of like two-fold one is, this is really the way that we are raised.

Speaker 2: (03:41)
At least most kids are raised. They’re raised on appraisals and affirmations from parents, grades, teachers, peers. This is how kids know that they’re good enough. And it’s also one of the reasons why so many people don’t feel good enough later on in their life because they’re relying on these external markers and the external markers. Aren’t actually healing the wound of not feeling good enough. Um, all that they’re doing is temporarily helping it feel better. And then it’s not enough, right? Because you can’t fill an internal hole, an internal feeling of not being good enough with external things. That’s never going to work. It’s always a fleeting feeling of being good enough. And then you’re on to the next thing you’re onto the next award or appraisal or accolade, an order to continue feeling good enough worthy lovable. The other thing about external confidence is it’s always at the risk of being taken away from us because external things are never permanent.

Speaker 2: (04:51)
They always fall away eventually. So it can leave us people pleasing, feeling unsafe in doubt of our own worth perfectionism at leads, people into doing all sorts of things to their body, right? Some women use external confidence to feel good about themselves in terms of their beauty and at least to try to control the way we look, even what we eat. And I’m trying to chase that next external high, right? And even worse. It limits what we are capable of because we use our past experience often in history to determine what we think we can do in the future. So we limit our possibilities and we get trapped in a recycled life, stuck in our current mindset and beliefs. So people, clients I work with who are like trying to do something they’ve never done before. If they’ve never seen anyone in their family do before they get really stuck, because they’re using external confidence to know that they’re capable of that and they’re using that to fuel themselves.

Speaker 2: (06:05)
And that’s why so many people are kind of stuck in the same place their parents were because they kind of use their parents or their, their, or their, where they kind of the, maybe their neighborhood. They grew up in as like the blueprint of what’s possible. And they use that external confidence to know like, this is what I’m capable of. This is what I’m good enough at doing. And it’s hard for them to see that they can do like really impossible things. Sometimes. I mean, I call it impossible, but things that they don’t, the impossible is possible and that there really are no rules. Okay. You just need to believe in yourself. You just need to keep going. And you will not always have external competence on, you know, external cues on, on the path knowing and pushing you along. So that brings me to the second type of competence, which is that internal wild competence.

Speaker 2: (06:56)
And this is what people usually start cultivating sometimes in their thirties, forties, sometimes later 50 sixties. It doesn’t matter when you start, but this is usually around a time in people’s lives when they’re like, Hey, this external stuff, isn’t actually making me happy. I’m tired. I don’t feel any better. And this is kind of just BS I’m over this. And they start to want to come into a place where they have lasting true confidence. And the thing about wild internal competence is it’s always been inside of you. It’s still there. You were born with it. And it has just been covered up with layers and layers of limiting beliefs, family beliefs, societal beliefs, and conditioning that have really served you for the first 30 or 40. So, you know, years of your life, right? External competence, isn’t a bad thing. Um, it just doesn’t have all the bells and whistles.

Speaker 2: (08:01)
I think that internal competence does and that I think most people are actually looking for that internal wild confidence. External confidence is part of our programming in our human bodies. It’s the way that, you know, many, many, many years ago, we used to be more in, in tribe civilizations. And this external kind of confidence was a way of knowing that we were going to be safe in the tribe that we weren’t going to get kicked out. And that, you know, when being kicked out based climate death. So we were really concerned about what other people thought about us as having value to the tribe. And so I want to say like, Hey, your, your external confidence, amazing, right. Really helped you create that solid base of having, you know, food, water, shelter, clothing, you know, being able to get sleep every night. It really gave you that nice solid foundation there.

Speaker 2: (09:00)
And now we’re just looking to go one level up. So we are grateful for external competence. And at the same time, we start working on building our internal competence. So back to internal competence, it has always been inside you. I like to think of like the part of us that, um, is in touch with our internal confidence. Like it’s the knowing, it’s the intuition, it’s the gut feeling, right? It’s the inner child who wants to be just set free again. Right. We were born. We were born with wild confidence. You don’t actually have to do much to cultivate it, except for help remove some of these limiting beliefs that we’ve kind of stacked on it. The society stacked on it over the years, just like a flower knows how to grow, knows how to open up to the sun, knows how to attract bees knows how to be.

Speaker 2: (09:54)
It’s glorious self. You were born knowing to how to be your glorious self. And I think by the time that we get to a certain age, we are just calling out so deeply internally to come back to that place where we can be authentic and feel safe and trust in that process, trust that we are safe being ourselves and that we can show up that way and that we are good enough and that we are lovable and we don’t have to do anything to be that way. That is our natural God given goddess, given gift. We were born that way. So sometimes we feel this inner confidence, this feeling that we can trust being ourselves authentically and not be afraid to do that around certain people in certain situations. So you already know how good it feels. I want you to imagine feeling that way all the time.

Speaker 2: (11:06)
It feels pretty good, right? When I talk to my clients and explained to them kind of why they feel that way sometimes, and not other times, I like to use Maslow’s hierarchy and at the very base of the pyramid we have physiological needs. And I think for me, I see a lot of external confidence meeting those needs. I think that’s one of the reasons why our, our programming almost our B biology is very focused on this external confidence on the first 30 years of our life, 40 years of our life, and making sure that we have the basic things that we need, and we have the money or the means to get the water, the food, the shelter, the sleep, the clothing, the air. And then, uh, from there, the next step of Matt pyramid, if you don’t know, this is the safety needs. So the idea is until you have those physiological needs met, you can’t meet your safety needs.

Speaker 2: (12:03)
Okay. You have to have those things. And safety needs are just what they are, right? It’s safety, it’s security, it’s trust, and you can have feel safe in different environments, you know, and you can feel unsafe in different environments, safety. Isn’t like you feel safe all the way across your entire life right now. And that’s actually why you do not have the internal competence because the next step in the pyramid up is basically confidence. Okay. It’s a sense of belonging, intimacy, friendship. And what I see with people when they have some of this internal competence in some areas of their life, it’s where they feel safe. It’s where they feel heard, seen, appreciated just for who they are. And they’re able to show up in a safe space being themselves and likewise, um, where they lack that internal confidence. I see people putting on masks, being afraid, worrying, um, judging themselves, judging other people, blaming shaming, all of this stuff and all the whole time, like really holding back who they truly are from whatever environment they’re in, not trusting that environment.

Speaker 2: (13:21)
And so what I do with people, what I do with my clients is I help identify the areas that they don’t have internal confidence and where they don’t feel safe enough to be authentically themselves. And we work on creating safety in those places. And then we work on them, just kind of testing the water because you guys internal competence, it doesn’t come. I mean, just like it, it says it comes from, it comes from, from you internally. Okay. So you’re the one not feeling safe in that space. So we work on you creating safety for yourself internally, where you will always feel safe in that space. Then like we are creating a foundation of safety for you across the board. And when you have a foundation of safety, you have a really strong pyramid to build that confidence off of. I like to say that, you know, being externally calm, but it it’s like building your house on quicksand over and over and over again.

Speaker 2: (14:24)
And by the time you get until your thirties or forties, you’re like, I’m tired. I don’t want to do that anymore. Like this isn’t working. I want to build my house on something solid. I want to build on a solid foundation. And that’s what inner wild confidence is. It’s like building your house on a solid rock foundation inside of yourself and we build it. So you feel safe in your house. And that way you can always trust and count on it. So you don’t have to be influenced by all the external cues anymore. You can just feel safe wherever you are. And that’s how you get true lasting confidence. I’m going to end here with a beautiful poem by Derek Walcott called love. After love. The time will come when with elation, you will greet yourself, arriving at your own door in your own mirror, and each will smile at the other’s welcome and say, sit here, eat. You will love again. The stranger who was yourself, give wine, give bread, give back your heart to itself, to this stranger who has loved you all your life, whom you ignored for another, who knows you by heart. Take down the love letters from the bookshelf, the photographs, the desperate notes, peel your own image from the mirror. Sit feast on your life.

Speaker 1: (16:01)
Thank you for joining. I hope you come back next week. Join my mailing list to get notified of my podcasts. Follow me on Instagram at, @katweissner and check out my website at klwcoaching.com