Speaker 1: (00:02)
Welcome to the wildly confident podcast, where we discuss all the ways to help you get more competent, make more money and get the results you want in your life. Stat. I’m Kathrine Weisner, your host. I’m a certified life coach and life coach and the create tricks of my own multimillion dollar business.

Speaker 2: (00:23)
You so glad you’re here taking 10 to 15 minutes to up-level your life today’s topic is a doozy. Okay. It’s self-care but it’s self care. Like you’ve never heard it before. So buckle up, get ready. Self care is something we all want. It’s something that’s all over the news these days. It’s like, Hey, have you taken your bubble bath this week? Do you get a massage? What are the nice things you do for yourself? How do you care for yourself? Are you saying no enough? Right? No’s a form of self-care practice. There’s so many different variations. Self-care looks different to all of us because at the heart of the matter, okay, self care is just meeting your own needs with love.

Speaker 2: (01:09)
I’m going to say that again, self care is learning how to meet your own needs, whatever you need in your life with love. And the reason why I see so many women exhausted, frustrated, burnt out in certain areas of their life is because they are meeting their needs with fear. It’s a coping mechanism. It’s something learned sometimes from family patterns. Other times it happens because of trauma or we have some broken attachments in our life. Um, like w we have, uh, we have an avoidant attachment or an anxious attachment to certain things, and you’re not going to see this in all areas of any person’s life. Okay? Some, some areas of people’s lives. They’re coming from love all the time. Like that’s a really strong pillar for them. It’s a strong foundation. Other areas they’re coming from fear. And those are going to be the areas they’re exhausted in because fear is a bottomless pit.

Speaker 2: (02:07)
So is love, right? But it feels a lot different, right? That’s the cool thing. Love and fear are both, both huge expansive energies, but you can’t ever get fear can’t ever get enough. So when you’re going about meeting your needs from fear, okay. Instead of from love, from caring for yourself, then you are going to feel exhausted. You are going to feel overextended because it’s never fricking enough for fear. You’re just going to keep going, going, going often until your body says, whoop, no more. We’re not doing this anymore, girl. Like I am over it. I’m exhausted. Or you lose your stuff, yell at your kids, you lose it on your partner. Right. And they’re just like, what? Like what is going on? I have no idea, right? They’re just like, they’re stunned. Cause all of this stuff is going inside you. This really has nothing to do with them.

Speaker 2: (03:04)
Okay. Your journey of between, between moving from a place of fear, into love for yourself has nothing to do with the other people in your life. I almost say they’re just like green screens for you to learn this practice and how to figure out what areas in your life. You’re using fear, coping mechanisms versus coping mechanisms of love that come from self care. I’m going to give you some real world examples to help you figure out this in your own life. So you can start paying attention to it and start making shifts here. Cause you can’t self care. You can’t take enough baths and massages. I’m going to say to move yourself out of fear is the internal under, you know, in game that you need to work on, it’s about changing your thoughts. It’s about changing your patterns, your mindset, your limited beliefs. That’s how we move out of fear.

Speaker 2: (03:59)
Coping into love coping, which is self-care. So I work with a number of moms that feel like they are overextended. Like they are, um, doing so many things for their family and no one, you know, sometimes they care. Sometimes they don’t, they can get angry or upset multiple times a week. Sometimes they feel like they’re right on the verge of completely losing it. And the story I have heard over and over again, and I’ve actually heard this with romantic relationships too. So y’all, if you’re in a romantic relationship and you feel like you’re giving all the time and the other person’s taking same exact thing here, okay? It’s same exact story. As the mother who’s giving, as the person in a relationship who’s always giving and they give beyond their capacity, okay. They give beyond their capacity. And when you’re giving beyond your capacity, we have to sit there and ask ourselves, why are you doing that?

Speaker 2: (05:00)
Why are you choosing to go beyond your capacity? How is that? What need is that serving? As I mentioned earlier, every single moment of our life, we’re looking to get our needs met. That might sound selfish to some of you, right? We might think that we’re more altruistic than that, but we’re really not. When you really get down to the brass tacks of it all and you sit and actually think on moment, a moment, what you’re looking to do with your day it’s to get your needs met. It doesn’t mean that you’re not also meeting other people’s needs at the same time and community and connection. When you are getting your needs met with love, you were also meeting other people’s needs with love and you’re teaching them how to get their needs met with love, right? Cause then you have, you have boundaries of how far you’re willing to go to help somebody.

Speaker 2: (05:46)
Okay. And yes, helping other people. Like when I think about why I help other people, it means a lot of needs. For me, it means a need for connection, a need for community, a need, be seen a need to be heard. All of those things are needs for me. And also at the same time in that moment, I’m meeting other people’s needs too. It’s a really great relationship when everyone’s getting their needs met at a love. But back to this, the moms or the parents or the people in relationships that are moving and you know, that need, um, where it’s coming from love into the fear space. Okay. Because they might be like, oh yeah, we’re I’m doing this because I love this person so much. Like I’m just such a giver. Like they’re just such a taker. I’m just an empath. I’m such a loving person.

Speaker 2: (06:34)
And I’m not denying that. Maybe you are all of those things, right. But it’s not serving you in this moment. That’s why we’re having this conversation. Right? You keep overextending yourself. What is really at the base here that you were afraid of? And it comes back to self-worth nine times out of 10 people don’t feel like they’re good moms. They don’t feel lovable. They don’t feel all good enough. And so they’re over achieve like they’re overextending themselves beyond because they’re trying to feel better, right? They’re afraid that if they let that other person down, it will prove the story they have about themselves. About not being a good mom. They say no to their child, their child’s upset or like they don’t do all the things that they think are on the good mom list. That means they’re a bad mom. And so they’re actually making a choice that they would rather overextend themselves.

Speaker 2: (07:28)
Then have to think the thought that they’re bad, mom, right? We’re always making choices like this between two things that are uncomfortable in our life. And when you start to recognize that that’s really what’s going on, you’re choosing to overextend your energy to overextend your body because you’re afraid that you might not be a good mom. You’re afraid you might not be worried. It’s Mo it’s mind opening because when we, we rely on external evidence from other people to know that we’re good enough or good mom or worthy enough, it’s theirs. It’s never going to be enough. There’s never enough to fill that fear within us. So you just keep going down this path over and over and over again until you completely burn yourself out. And then you’re like, oh, where do I go from here? And that’s what I help women with. So often is identifying these limiting fear based beliefs figure and figuring out maybe where they came from.

Speaker 2: (08:28)
Maybe not, it doesn’t necessarily matter where they came from. Sometimes it can be helpful, but most of the time we just move straight into shifting the belief into something that’s going to be serving. And which also serves the other people in your life, your family, your kids, your partner don’t want you overextending yourself. They don’t even know you’re doing okay, is the problem. They don’t want that for you. They want you to have balance in your life. They want you to have love in your life. And when you’re coming from, you know, when, if, when you work through any of the fears around self-worth being good enough, wherever you find yourself, overextending yourself in your life, there’s often a base fear underneath it that you have a story that if you don’t do X, Y, and Z, then somehow it’s going to mean something about you.

Speaker 2: (09:17)
And once we are able to drop that story, that it actually means nothing about you, right? It’s just a story. We get to choose what we want to believe. We can ask, why am I doing this thing? And how do I want to actually have my needs met from a place of love? Why am I engaging with my kids? Why am I being their mother? And how do I want to have my needs in this situation? Met from a place of love. I think about my family. Like I want to, my need is to belong. My need is to have that connection. My need is to also have respect, right? I have a whole list of needs with my family and your needs are probably different than some of my needs. That’s another thing I do with clients is they help identify core needs. And then we figure out how to meet those core needs with love.

Speaker 2: (10:04)
And we identify which ones you’re meeting with fear, right? You’re getting met with fear and those are the things you feel drained or exhausted on. And there’s just no reason to keep living life this way. You don’t have to go about the rest of your life with a maladaptive coping mechanism where you’re meeting your needs from fear and any port part of your life. It’s just going to be exhausting. And eventually it’s going to burn you out. And so by doing the work and looking at, Hey, here are my needs with my family. Here are my needs. And my romantic relationship here are my needs at work. How am I getting those needs met from lover, from fear because things for love are gonna fill you up. They’re going to give you capacity. Things from fear are going to reduce you. And they’re going to keep you in a cycle of addiction, almost with it, right?

Speaker 2: (10:50)
Because you can’t ever feed that hungry ghost in you. You’re just going to keep doing it and doing it and doing it. And it just becomes this downward spiral. So we press pause on that and we say, Hey, let’s figure out how to shift you from fear to love with all your needs. You will have so much more energy. You will have so much more capacity to get done the things you want in life and to have your needs met in a way that feels so much more better to you. Like it’s going to feel so much more at peace in your body. Join your body. Things are going to be easier. Things are going to flow. Ray. I’m sure you’ve heard the term flow, but life starts to flow more because you’re not fighting against yourself anymore. The biggest problem I see with flow with people’s, they’re fighting against themselves.

Speaker 2: (11:40)
They’re fighting against caring for themselves by coming from a place of fear to try to get their needs met, which is just, it is so much more work and you’re working against your own body and it eventually just burns you out or pushes you way too far. So back to the brass tax right now. Why are there so many conversations around self-care dealing with bubble baths and taking walks and hanging out with friends and saying no, is those things do help give you space to reflect in your life? What is, and isn’t working. They’re kind of just like step one to the bigger process, step one, to figuring out what your needs actually are and what are the tools and coping mechanisms you’re using to get your needs met. So then you can take the next step and see is it coming from love or is it coming from fear?

Speaker 2: (12:38)
How does my energy feel around this? How do my emotions feel? And then from there you can start to make shifts to change that in your life. So yes. Do the bubble baths. I do three or four a week. Okay. I love taking care of my body that way in my body just absolutely adores it and makes me happy, frankly. I just do it because it puts a huge smile on my face. It’s just like more joy, more delight. Um, I get a massage every week. I love it. I absolutely love it. So I’m not saying don’t do those things, but if you’re struggling with even starting those practices, or let’s say starting a workout routine, you know, you really want to do that workout routine, but you keep sabotaging yourself. I think we take a step back and ask, what is the need that really wants to be met with the workout routine, right?

Speaker 2: (13:30)
We have to figure out that core need is. And then we can find a way to meet it with love. Because when you’re meeting with love, you’re going to have all this capacity and fuel and energy to actually be consistent around that new habit. And it’s going to keep you doing it day after day after day versus something that’s like coming from Theo, you’re doing it because you feel like you’re fat or you don’t want to be alone for the rest of your life. And you feel like you’re like, if you don’t have this beautiful body that no one’s going to want you, like when you’re doing it from that space, you’re going to quit, right? If you’re doing it from a place of self-judgment, you’re going to end up quitting. That’s all fear-based. We have to get in the energy and the vibration of love in order to create the lasting habit.

Speaker 2: (14:11)
And by identifying the core need of why you want to do it, what, what, how it’s serving you. That’s how we’re going to move into that space. It’s actually really simple. Once you start being able to figure out what your core needs and part of how you can do that is by taking that bubble bath is by journaling and asking yourself, what do I need right now? What feels good? What doesn’t feel good? I hope you enjoyed this. Talk on, on self care, self care, coming from love versus getting your needs met from fear and play around that a little bit. This week. Is there, if there’s any place you’re feeling depleted in your day, what is, what do you need in that moment? Right? What is that activity you’re engaging in? And how is that activity serving you? How is it meeting a need for you?

Speaker 2: (15:01)
And if you’re telling me it has to do with another person that does not the need, okay, you are getting lost in your own story of believing. You’re doing things for other people. I’m not saying we never do things in community with people. I think we do a lot of things to have the feeling of community and the feeling of love, right? With other people. But then the need is so I can feel community so I can feel love. And if you’re in that moment and you’re realizing that you’re not feeling love in that moment, you’re not feeling community. You have lost your way there. We to take a step back and figure out how can we meet that core need and honor you. So you can also experience the joy of that need because of you’re coming from fear. You’re not going to feel community or love in that moment, right? You’re going to feel frustration. You’re gonna feel anger. You’re going to feel overextended. And so you’re not even getting your need met anymore at a certain point, which is really sad. So we want to find ways to get your need met consistently from a place of love. I hope you enjoyed this episode. Good luck with this practice. And I will talk to you next week.

Speaker 1: (16:14)
Thank you for joining. I hope you come back next week. Join my mailing list to get notified of my podcasts. Follow me on Instagram at, @katweissner and check out my website. I bought tons of free stuff on at www.klwcoaching.com.