Speaker 1: (00:02)
Welcome to the wildly confident podcast, where we discuss all the ways to help you get more confident, make more money and get the results you want in your life. Stat. I’m Kathrine Weissner, your host. I’m a certified life coach life coach, and the tricks of my own multimillion dollar business. Hey you

Speaker 2: (00:25)
So glad you’re here today. We are going to be talking about authenticity. It’s another one of those hot words for the last 10 years. The amount of times you’ve probably heard people say like, just be you be authentic, like just be yourself, right? It’s like on t-shirts it’s in shows, right? There’s a lot of promotion of just being you. And it sounds so easy, but so many of us struggle with defining what that is. So on this episode, I am going to be helping you define what authenticity is and what it is not. And I’m going to also give you some practices so you can start practicing more authenticity in your life today. So this is how I define authenticity. Authenticity is being aware and honest with yourself about who you are and what you want in your life today. Those things change who you are, changes, what you want in your life is going to change.

Speaker 2: (01:35)
So it’s just about being aware of where you sit today and taking responsibility for who you are. It’s about being in integrity with yourself, honoring yourself. First and foremost, authenticity is completely internal. You do not need to show any of your authenticity externally anybody in order to be an authenticity. Authenticity is all about you deeply honoring your truth. In this moment. It has nothing to do with anyone outside of you, acknowledging your truth, respecting your truth, seeing your truth. Okay. That’s where I think some people get confused with authenticity and some of the messaging we’ve been given around it in the last 10 years, authenticity and being authentic comes naturally. When you’re in integrity with your self, you don’t have to do anything if you come from that place. But that you know is not necessarily an easy place to come from. Authenticity can be so hard because we have been taught not to necessarily trust ourselves.

Speaker 2: (03:05)
We have been taught to look outside of ourselves to get knowledge that authority figures know more than us. And so when we have that dynamic going is something that we typically learned at a pretty young age. We kind of find ourselves doubting ourselves often and not really trusting in our truth, trusting what we’re hearing. We need ourselves. We often will look to experts outside of us and be like, well they know, right? But you know, you always know what’s best for you. You just have to start getting in a practice of listening to what your body and your heart is trying to tell you. Okay? And that’s a practice, a learner practice that it’s one of the practices you can do to help get more in your authenticity that I’ll talk to you at the end of the podcast about, but another reason why we have a hard time with getting in authenticity with ourselves is because we’ve also been taught that so many parts of us are shameful, right?

Speaker 2: (04:08)
Or that we’re guilty, right? There are parts of us that were unwilling to take responsibility for in ourselves. And so that’s another practice I’m going to be talking about at the end of this and how you can start working through that piece too, because you know, it’s easy to own some parts of our lives, right? It’s easy to own that we’re going to Mexico next week. That’s easy to own, like, but it’s not easy to own that. You know, we were maybe sexually assaulted in college. That’s not something that’s really easy for us to own. There’s a lot of stuff there. And sometimes when we can’t own something, right, when we don’t take it, you know, within and take responsibility for how that is affected us and how that’s a part of us, we end up projecting it out on to other people. And our boundaries with that person actually can get kind of like muddled up.

Speaker 2: (05:02)
And then, you know, you’re obviously not an author. You’re not in your integrity. You’re not in your honesty with yourself. And you’re not treating that other person with integrity. And so, yeah, dealing with shame and dealing with guilt that you have repressed in your life is part of this practice. And that is a lifelong practice. I think there’s a lot of shame and guilt built up in this culture. And it’s something, that’s why I said like every single day, just own what you are aware of. Right? Sometimes we’re not aware of our own shame and guilt and we can’t own it. And that’s fine. That’s still being authentic. Right? You have to really trust yourself in order to get into authenticity and trust that it’s okay, that these things happen to you. And you do not need to be ashamed about them. You do not need to feel guilty, right?

Speaker 2: (05:55)
You can work through that shame and guilt and own those parts of you as well. Now I want to talk to you about what authenticity is not because I have seen this happen a few times to me and I’ve seen other people do it, but authenticity is not, uh, yelling at other people, telling other people they’re horrible. Um, telling other people, you know, they suck or whatever angry feelings you might have, right? Authenticity is not an XP excuse to verbally assault another person because you’re angry at them. Authenticity is just about you loving yourself, being honest and integrity with yourself. It has nothing to do with any other person. If you’re an honest integrity with yourself and you have something to say to somebody else, you are not going to project upon them. All of your anger, okay? Because when you have done the work and you are in integrity with yourself, you are not going to need to sit there and spew verbal violence.

Speaker 2: (07:07)
At the other person, we do that to feel better, usually to blame the other person. Then it’s not our fault that this happened, but when you own whatever responsibility you had in something and you, and you own that part of you, you will not need to project it on somebody else. It doesn’t mean that you don’t speak your truth to them. It doesn’t mean that you’re not honest with them, but honesty doesn’t have to be verbal assault. It can be extremely nice and loving. I’m going to give you an example of how I have dealt with this in the past and how I’ve stayed authentic, authentic to me, meaning in my integrity, because I think it’s incredible to stay in your integrity with yourself. You have to create a trusting, loving relationship with yourself that you have your back no matter what, if you do not have that relationship with yourself, you will have an extremely hard time staying in your authenticity because you will be instead telling yourself sometimes that your needs don’t matter, that you don’t matter, right?

Speaker 2: (08:18)
And this is why a lot of people don’t truly love themselves. I think it’s an order on the journey to self-love truly loving yourself. Part of that journey is getting into deep integrity with yourself and honoring your truth and honoring your authenticity in this moment, with what you’re aware of every day, doing your best around that. And every time you move out of integrity with yourself, whether that be, to make someone else feel more comfortable or, um, to not hurt somebody, else’s feelings, whatever thing that you’re telling yourself, you are actually hurting yourself in a way you are denying your feelings and you’re denying that you matter. And you start to move out of integrity and trust with yourself. The example I’m going to use comes from when I’ve had to let people go from their jobs. Um, I used to be a manager for many years and I have had to let people go or fire people on numerous occasions.

Speaker 2: (09:24)
And it was never anything I enjoy doing obviously. And, but at the same time, there was some, an integrity piece here that this wasn’t working out for me. So I didn’t sit there in those meetings and necessarily make a huge, I didn’t make a list of like, Hey, these are all the reasons why you suck, right? Like I’m not sitting there and being like, you’re horrible, right? Because the reason to make that list is to make me feel better about my decision all the while you’re making that person feel horrible, like that doesn’t feel like kindness at all. Authenticity is always in context. You’re not the only person that matters in this world. It’s not just you out to shine. And it doesn’t matter who you trample on, right? Authenticity is in context. And if you’re always being internally authentic with yourself, then you’re never going to have a problem with being cruelly, being cruel to other people.

Speaker 2: (10:20)
And then using honesty or authenticity is your excuse. So here’s what you do in this situation. Okay? You don’t sit there and blame the other person and tell them they’re horrible and all this stuff. Okay. You just tell them that this situation is not working out for you. That’s it, it doesn’t work out for you because of you because of who you are because of the things that you, the things that you want. And that has nothing to do with the other person. Okay. Other than that is just, they are not meeting your needs for this, you know, for what you’re looking for, but you don’t have to make them wrong. They’re not wrong. There’s nothing wrong with them. Okay. What’s wrong is that you are not getting what you need and you’re going to, um, you recognize that and you’re going to honor that.

Speaker 2: (11:12)
And you’re going to take a responsibility for, for the fact that it’s you, you, your choice, that you’re not getting what you need and you are going to shift and do something different to try and get your needs met. You’re deeply honoring yourself. And at the same time you’re honoring the other person. You’re not God, you don’t know. You know, you don’t have all the answers, right? You’re just a person with your lens, your worldview, we’re all flawed. We all are coming from a very subjective viewpoint, own that. Okay? Own that. Take responsibility. Do not blame other people. That’s where I see authenticity go wrong. And when you’re really coming from your integrity and honesty and authenticity, right? You talk about how what’s going on matters to you and how it’s about you. It’s not about the other person. It’s not about blame. It’s not about shame.

Speaker 2: (12:02)
It’s about you needing something different in your life, and you are deciding to do this because that matters to you. And you want to stay in integrity with yourself. Okay? That is what I’m going to say on the definition of authenticity. And now I’m just going to give you a few little practices to help you start moving more into authenticity. The first practice I’m going to give you is around safety. A lot of people don’t feel safe, being authentic. And so the way that we work on this, the way I work on this with my clients is for them just to dip their toe in the pool of authenticity with people they, they feel safe with. Okay. So it might be just trying out, having a conversation with somebody where you share something vulnerable about you, and then with someone you feel safe with, and then you let them respond and you feel how safe that feels in your body and how it’s okay.

Speaker 2: (13:00)
Just to be who you are. Okay. These little practices can build up over time and it helps you feel safer being externally, authentic with other people and not having to fear that they won’t love you anymore. Because if someone’s not going to love you because of, you know who you are, then you’re not going to have an intimate relationship with them. Anyway. Right. Then you’re just basically, I don’t want to say it, but more or less lying to them about who you are in order to get some sort of false love from them. It’s way better to be who you are and know true love, because there are people out there who are going to love you just for who you are. And it’s a way of finding this is a way of finding out who those people are. Doesn’t mean that it’s not a little painful though.

Speaker 2: (13:53)
So I want to acknowledge that. I also want to acknowledge that a lot of people have had trauma in their lives and how important it is to feel safe, being authentic. Because if you’re just out there, like I’m going to be authentic no matter what, right. That’s going to feel a little, a little unsafe to some people I’m not saying that I’m saying like, listen to your bodies, see what feels safe. Start practicing little bits of authenticity with people. The next piece is picking up where you feel ashamed or where you’re blaming other people. This is a lifelong practice, like I said. So like, just do what you’re aware of right now and know that more will come as you work through what you have, but owning the parts of us that we’re ashamed of. And by owning them a great practice, I do comes from internal family systems with clients, but it has to do with, um, characterizing that part.

Speaker 2: (14:47)
So, you know, for me, I have the inner critic and side of me, it’s kind of like a judge that sits around and likes to judge me for all the things that I do wrong in life and blame me. Okay. I imagine them as like this judge, like with a wig on, with, uh, you know, hitting the gavel. And I think, um, what, what I do with this judge is then I ask it questions. I say, Hey, why are you so angry? You know, and, and what can I do to make you, you know, what are you looking to ne what are you looking for? What do you need, right. To be integrated in with the rest of me, what do you need to feel safe? And you can actually have conversations with these parts of you and see exactly what they need. And my inner judge, like it needs to feel like it has control and it needs to feel like I’m going to be safe.

Speaker 2: (15:42)
That’s really what it’s all about. It’s really worried about those things. And of course, how I see control and safety is going to be different than maybe you do, but I can talk to it and I can find other ways of having that need met so it can let go. So it can reintegrate into me. Uh, it’s a much longer practice that I’m giving it justice for right now. And it’s something that, um, I do with clients. So if you’re interested in learning more about that, please, please, please book a free consult call with me on my website or under my Instagram, um, profile. So anyway, it was so great talking with you today. I hope you appreciated this. Talk on authenticity and think about one way that you’re just going to be more honest with yourself today about what your actual needs are and how you can start supporting that internally for yourself. Remember until you’re all internally authentic and totally honest, and take responsibility and honor your truth. You are not going to be able to do that externally. So it’s just an internal practice for awhile. So hope you enjoyed this and have a great day. Thanks.

Speaker 1: (16:56)
Thank you for joining. I hope you come back next week. Join my mailing list to get notified of my podcasts. Follow me on Instagram at, @katweissner and check out my website about tons of free stuff on there. www.klwcoaching.com.