The Wildly Confident Podcast
In episode 12 of the Wildly Confident Podcast we are going to talk about:
How to Create Boundaries that Work for You
Boundaries are a choice about what sort of behavior (physical and emotional) you want to be around.
It comes from love for yourself and respect for yourself. It is never about blaming, shaming, and trying to control the other person to get what you want. A boundary is all about you…not the other person. So many people misunderstand how to create a boundary and that is why so often they fail or don’t last. Listen to this episode for sure. It’s will change your mind about how to create a boundary that works.
On this episode you will learn:
- What a healthy vs. unhealthy boundary is.
- The 2 step process to create a healthy boundary – super easy.
- How boundaries actually make you closer with other people.
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Want to read the episode instead?
Speaker 1: (00:02)
Welcome to the Wildly Confident podcast, where we discuss all the ways to help you get more confident, make more money and get the results you want in your life. Stat. I’m Kathrine, Weissner your host. I’m a certified life coach life coach and the creatrix of my own multi-million dollar business.
Speaker 2: (00:25)
Welcome to the wildly confident podcast. I am so glad you were here today. Taking 10 minutes to take care of yourself. And today we’re talking about one of, one of the things I think that is most misunderstood in our culture, which is boundaries. Ugh, just the word it feels so empowering, right? The word is everywhere right now. People are like, you gotta have better boundaries. You gotta have a good boundary here. You gotta learn how to say no. And it’s really like one of the words of the year, I think. But yet I see so many people using boundaries to try to control other people and it just feels icky for you and it feels icky for the other person. So that’s one of the ways that you know, that when you create a boundary, that kind of feels icky. Um, how maybe you’re not coming with, to the boundary in a very clean place.
Speaker 2: (01:21)
So let’s get started in understanding more about what a clean, healthy boundary looks like. First. I just want to explain to you what a boundary is. Okay. A boundary is a choice about what sort of behavior you want to be around. And this includes both physically and emotionally emotional behavior. Okay? And it might seem like boundaries actually separate you from somebody else. And I mean, it does kind of denote that, right? It’s like a boundary, but actually they do the opposite. When you have a healthy boundary, it promotes you taking responsibility for what you want and empowerment to get that in your life. And so it actually brings the relationship closer with others. If there is true intimacy in trust between you boundaries, come from love to create self-kindness for yourself to respect your truth and what you want in your life. Okay? So when you create a boundary, it’s not now it’s not to necessarily shame the other person or make them wrong or bad.
Speaker 2: (02:46)
In fact, it’s never about that stuff. Okay. It is out a love for yourself first and foremost and love for the other person, because a boundary never about changing the other person or how bad or horrible they are. Okay. It’s actually out of love and respect for them. And I know already you might be getting a little confused. And that’s why I think like often in our culture, our boundaries are used when we feel like someone’s treating us poorly. So we’re like that person’s bad. We want them to stop. Like we don’t like the way this feels and I need to put a boundary up to stop them from doing that because they’re bad. And when I want to give you today is that boundaries are not about making the other person bad. They have the right to do what sort of behaviors they want to do.
Speaker 2: (03:42)
And you want to give them the choice and respect as another human to be able to do that. Okay. Now I’m not condoning and saying, oh yeah. If someone wants to murder somebody or rape somebody or hurt someone else that that’s okay, that is not at all that. I’m saying what I’m saying. I’m not saying like, oh, just let that person do that. Okay. What I’m saying is that’s not what a boundary is about. Okay. A boundary is for you because you love yourself. It’s about you making a choice about what sort of behavior you want to have in your life. It’s about you taking responsibility for deciding what you want in your life and being empowered enough to talk about it. Okay? Notice how it’s all about you, right? It’s not about the other person sitting there and blaming the other person and shaming them and making them the reason why you have a boundary is going to feel really disempowering.
Speaker 2: (04:37)
And it’s going to make you hard. It’s going to make it harder to uphold it. Okay. And again, if the reason why you’re creating the boundary is because of some action that the person, the other person on the other side of the boundary did, that is creating trauma in your life. That needs to be processed. That is processing trauma. Okay. That is not what a boundary is about because when we make a boundary about making somebody else wrong or bad, that energy is what’s going to consume the boundary, instead of it just being self love for ourself and self-care for ourselves. So most of the time when we communicate a boundary, the other person, often isn’t even aware that you have a boundary there. So it’s really important that we communicate it. Um, so people are aware of our boundaries. That doesn’t mean we have to rock around and tell everyone like, Hey, I have a boundary here that you don’t physically hit me.
Speaker 2: (05:35)
Right. There were a lot of boundaries baked into culture. Like you typically are. Not, people are not going to walk up to other people and hit them. That is just a boundary that is built in to the cultural norms in our society. But if you’re irritated by somebody else, you feel like they’re not respecting something about you. You want to just check in with them first to make sure. Yeah. Do they even understand that you have a boundary there? So often people don’t see our boundaries because it’s just, um, our boundary, they don’t have a boundary they’re in their own life. And so, uh, they’re not going to imagine that you have a boundary there. So it’s really important for you to pay attention to your emotions and to realize when you feel like there’s something being trespassed on you, there’s some behavior that you do not want to be around.
Speaker 2: (06:27)
Right. And that, um, you need to have a conversation with that person about what that means. So here is the technique. I’m going to teach you today about how to set a boundary. Okay. It’s super simple. There are two steps, but they’re so important. Okay. The first step is the request. Okay? Your going to ask that person to stop doing that. One thing that infringes on your property now your property could either be your body, your physical space, and also your emotional, a space space. Yeah. Do this without attacking your yelling. Okay? It’s not about blame. Cause again, when you’re blaming someone else, you’re giving them all the power and control, right? This is about you taking personal responsibility for something that you want in your life because you love yourself. And the second piece of this is the consequence you tell the person what you will do if they do not comply with your request.
Speaker 2: (07:29)
So simple guys, you make a request out of love for yourself. And then you set a consequences happen. If they don’t honor your request. The big problem I see with people, creating boundaries a lot and why they get so icky feeling for people is that when people make our request, do it from a place where they’re still blaming the other person and they deep down feel like they, um, are resentful towards the other person. And then the consequence ends up trying to be a way of controlling the other person’s behavior. So that person will come fly with, um, with following your request with your boundary request. I see this one, like the consequence is, you know, if you don’t do it, I say, you’re going to, what I want you to do. Then I’m going to give you the silent with treatment. I’m going to withhold things from you that I know.
Speaker 2: (08:33)
Um, and these things absolutely play to not work, to create a proper, proper boundary. These create really messy boundaries because they are coming from a place of trying to control the other person to get what you want. And sort of just coming from the place of self love for yourself and responsibility for what you want your life, a boundary, never an ultimatum, okay? It’s not do this or else what a boundary is, is I would like you to do this because I love it. Like I love myself, right? This is important to me. And if you don’t want to, hi, it’s totally fine. I respect you as a person, right? I love you enough for you to be able to go do what you need to do and live your life. And I equally love myself. And so I’m going to remove myself from that behavior.
Speaker 2: (09:27)
And I’ll give you an example of what this looks like with my kids. Okay? Last week, gosh, my kids like to sing these songs. I’m not going to sing one for you right now, but they’re like, they get in your head and they know they do. They kind of just like do it to kind of just honestly be a little, um, get your attention. They’re kind of, they have it in their heads. So they want to get it in your head too. They think it’s funny, right? They’re enjoying themselves. So I can be sitting down the kitchen and they’ll start singing one of these songs and they start singing it closer and closer to me. And then they’re like, mommy, sing, you know, like get in my face. They’re like singing into my ear year. And I just say to them, you know, I have a request and my request is, if you could please stop singing that song where I can hear it, because I do not want to get that song in my head while I’m trying to sit here and do something else, it’s distracting me from what I want to be doing.
Speaker 2: (10:24)
And if you decide not to do that, I’m going to remove myself and go upstairs where I can’t hear it and I don’t want you to follow me. Okay. Okay. Can you see how that request is really clear and clean? I’m talking about what I want specifically, why it matters to me, me, right? I’m not making them wrong or bad for singing the song. I’m not telling them to shut up or be quiet or that’s annoying. Okay. And I’m telling them exactly what I’m going to do. If they do not comply, I’m not telling them to leave the house. I’m not telling them they’re going to get in trouble. I’m not this isn’t with them. They can keep singing the song as much as they want to. Right. This is a shared community space at our house. So if someone like a friend was over at my house and they were doing this, um, and they weren’t complying, I might ask them to leave my house.
Speaker 2: (11:15)
Right. Cause that’s my house. But when it’s someone in your family or someone who has share community space, you can just remove yourself from that environment. And I’m doing that for me. This whole thing is for me, it’s not sticky at all. I don’t feel sticky with it. Like I don’t feel gross with this boundary. And I’m so happy to uphold it and to take care of myself. And what I am ended up doing was I ended up going upstairs because they wanted to keep seeing the song. And I was happy. They wanted to keep singing it for themselves. And I was happy for myself for all of a sudden being in a quiet space. So I could focus on the work I was doing. Look, people can be afraid to set a boundary because they think they’re going to lose closeness with the other person.
Speaker 2: (11:57)
But it’s always the opposite setting. A boundary will actually get you closer because you’re both being honest and true and authentic. And that’s what creates true intimacy. Yeah. And sometimes people aren’t going to agree with your boundary and that’s okay, this isn’t about them. It’s about what you want in your life. And you have to be okay with putting yourself first with saying that this matters enough to me. And I’m not going to put myself in a position where I’m unhappy or not being truthful to my own needs in order to make somebody else happy. One way to help with this is just to really emphasize to yourself and the other person that you’re doing this to take care of yourself and how important you think it is for both who you guys to take care of yourself and honor your own needs. And that’s how a really deep loving connection can be formed.
Speaker 2: (12:52)
Other people don’t have to honor your request and that’s okay. Right. You’ve saw how my kids did not honor my request. And I was okay with it because I already knew what the consequence was and the consequence felt good to me. I felt like I was honoring them and I was honoring myself. Okay. So it’s really important. You enforce the consequence. If someone doesn’t honor your request, okay. But don’t spend time making them wrong because that’s actually just a complete waste of your time. So next time you think about creating a boundary with someone, use this process, come from a place of love for yourself and love for the other person, because people are going to do what they want to do. Right? People, my kids are going to keep seeing that song anyway. Right. And if I use threats or intimidation or, um, some sort of forceful way of, uh, creating the boundary of the consequence, like if you don’t stop singing that song, mom’s going to be angry at you, right. That’s me doing emotional, um, violence to them in a way emotional, hurting to them. Instead of just saying, Hey, you have a choice to be who you’re going to be. Like, I see you. I hear you. I respect you. You’re going to keep doing that. And that’s fine with me. You do you. And I’m going to do me upstairs in my bedroom where it’s quiet.
Speaker 2: (14:13)
So just always remember, uh, if you’re entering into a boundary in order and it feels icky, like you’re trying to control the other person, take a step back. Okay? Because that boundary, that quote unquote boundary might not be a boundary at all. It might just be you trying to control somebody else that you can get your way and boundaries. Aren’t about controlling anyone else to get your way. Boundaries are about self-love. Self-respect sharing with other people. What matters to you. So learning how to be, self-empowered how to communicate what you want in your, to create a better life for yourself, where you feel safe, where you feel seen, where you have true intimacy and truth with other people and trust. So that’s it for this podcast, please, please, please try out this process when creating boundaries and to wait and see how freeing it’s going to be when you give the other person and yourself, the choice just to be who you are. Thanks for listening.
Speaker 1: (15:24)
Thank you for joining. I hope you come back next week. Join my mailing list to get notified of my podcasts. Follow me on Instagram at, @katweissner and check out my website about tons of free stuff on there at www. klwcoaching.com.